malibunny

 We always forget what fall feels like until it's here, and we're like... Idk we're in a super weird mood cause of it. I haven't been out much until recently, i realized that cold weather means I can wear more clothing that I like. I'm kinda excited for our hair growing out, as is Sunny (who's here too), I'm thinking I could go for that Nick Cave look or something, like long hair can definitely be masculine. Sunny's excited to be able to have ponytails and all the outfits and makeup and stuff she'll be able to wear that'll look cute with longer hair. 

We were reading about when people have special interests that are other people (especially people they know, not so much celebrities). It was something that like, at the time we couldn't relate to really, and we were trying to like imagine what it'd be like to have a special interest in a person who wasn't a famous person. Anyway like yesterday Sunny realized she (and maybe Duke?) have a special interest in a non-famous person, but just didn't realize it was also a special interest cause it's also been kinda a borderline idealization thing ykwim? I think that's why we were thinking about the ways that being autistic and being borderline overlap/look like each other sometimes. 

None of this has like anything to do with me really. I'm just chilling though. It's hard for me to relate to this body cause it's way different from mine in headspace (which is like slightly different from my canon body too). I think long hair is gonna help like all of us kinda uh... reconnect with our body. I don't know if anyone's been feeling like we look good lately. It'd be cool to just not care about looking "good" or "bad" or whatever but right now we do. Ah well, right? 

Oh, right though, I'm going to be hanging out with our partners this weekend and me and my boyfriend are gonna watch Predator (again) and Alien Vs Predator (for the first time, except I'm pretty sure someone in here has seen at least part of it). It's gonna be fun hopefully. We'll have a house to ourselves.

- Mac (and Sunny kinda)

Recently I've been watching sooo much stuff. We've been watching tons of Youtube videos cause we remembered that like... You can just search whatever and then watch something on that topic, so we've been watching art videos and just a bunch of other stuff too. I started rewatching Kare Kano which I think I either read or watched part of a long time ago but barely remember and it's super cute so far. Then today I saw It, and despite some uncomfortable scenes (which luckily I knew the plot enough to strategically exit to the bathroom for most of) it was like super good! Plus Misty loves horror and was just like so excited to see a horror movie that lived up to our expectations. Like the only stuff we weren't super into was some changes to Beverly's story arc which we read about before seeing the movie, one like imo unnecessarily gruesome scene in the beginning, and also just being overall sick to death of the silly love triangle especially when it involves an author self insert haha. But whatever, we're already pumped for the second movie!

I'm trying to draw and stuff and it's going ok, we're still waitin around for Irma to pass over us, should be arriving tomorrow though. We hope everyone is staying safe! It was weird going to the mall to see the movie and there was like nobody there. Especially since it was opening weekend for It. We feel so energized by horror it's so nice. We were reading about special interests because we were wondering how people explain the difference between special interests and regular interests, and someone put it that special interests are like recharging to us, like it feels like it's not sooo much expending energy to involve ourselves but like idk it's like rejuvenating which I like and I wouldn't have thought to put it that way but it's true! We almost cried at like every horror trailer we looove seeing horror movies in theaters even bad ones it's such a perfect experience! 

It was funny too, during the movie the lights came back on in the theater twice and we don't know why. We remember when we saw that War of the Worlds movie in theaters that movie had biig lightning strikes in it, and the theater ended up losing power during the movie, and after the movie when we went out there was huge spiderwebby lighting all over the sky. 

- Sunny

Edit: we forgot to mention that the styles of the bullies in It are like Misty and Duke's ideal style, especially Henry Bowers and Patrick Hockstetter (who has hair kinda like how ours used to look/how we want it to look!!). They wish they looked like them soo bad! 

 Been bad about postin here :< 

• Realized seals are a special interest (mostly harbor seals and elephant seals and not leopard seals or sea lions). we totally thought we just really liked seals but yeah haha 
• Might have a job of sorts =_= I'm worried but it's a good thing
• Getting our ACNL towns sorted out better, finally have the Beautiful Town ordinance back in Owl Cave! Teufort is now a Night Owl town :3
• Related: my house in Owl Cave is super cute rn and the Owl Cave mayor, Luna, has her museum exhibits turning out way nicer than they were (random item storage and gyroid collections before)
• Agreed to drive our friend to her job 3 days a week which is pretty fine, the drive isn't bad cause her job is like 5 minutes from my house and she lives about 20 minutes away, though it'll be longer in traffic
• Haven't been feeling very much like drawing lately which sucks. We really gotta keep up momentum but we just have no energy or inspiration, IDK how long this is gonna last
• I'm still trying to figure out my memories and junk 
• Me and Carson are still frontstuck most of the time /sigh, but Mac and Misty and Daisy have been around too

- Sunshine

I've been trying to figure out how I relate to being like... a monster girl, for lack of a better word... like how I relate to horror and whether it's like a otherkin thing or what exactly? I'm a facet of Carson but I guess the part of him I am is like um... darker in certain ways? Not to be dramatic haha. Anyway I've been trying to sort through my relationship with horror and how I see myself and how I relate to stuff like that and my past (outside of this body and stuff). Idk things are weird or they're not, it's hard to tell haha. Ignore this I guess it's just me rambling kinda.

- Sunshine

It's mostly Sunny here, but Daisy's making herself known in weird passive ways, we feel a little weird but I'm not sure how or why.

I wish we knew how to get our art to a wider audience, or know whether it's just inherently unappealing to most people. The thing is that we're so bad at networking, and like everyone says that's half the battle or more, and it's really hard for us to make friends, professional or otherwise, and we also don't want to try and make friends with other artists only for the reason to widen our "professional" network ykwim? Idk it's all so confusing and we feel like we're missing some vital part of a person that makes other people able to know how to do this when we feel like there's some kinda barrier that we can't cross between us and everyone else (the fact that that's a cliche statement means other people Do experience this but we still feel like this anyway).

We're putting a lot of effort into our art lately, and feeling like it's getting us nowhere. On the plus side we feel more confident in our ability to make things that actually look nice, but when our art barely ever gets beyond 4-5 notes on tumblr and likes on twitter (and rarely gets retweeted/reblogged at all either) it's hard not to feel like we're missing something that might make this easier. Obviously nobody just gets 100s of notes on all their art over night, basically no matter how talented, but it's still discouraging. Of course we appreciate the notes it does get, and appreciate the folks who support us and our art, but y'know, blah blah blah we wish we could attract a wider audience blah blah.

I'm not as bitter as I sound rn actually though sdlkgjsdlf this sounds super irritated but I'm not in a bad mood rn I'm just kinda venting despite not actually feeling bad, just a lil out of it.

Daisy wants to watch something horror-y like a video game playthrough. She also wants me to draw her/help me draw her. Or something, idk I'm having trouble hearing her hgksdflj I'm so out of it!!

- Sunny & Daisy Della

This week we and our partners house/cat sitted for my system's parents :) it was nice to spend a week alone in a comfy house (except the AC broke the day after we started house sitting so we were without AC for a day or two).

We had a weird time the first couple days cause of just like a lot of anxiety and stuff.

Last night we had like the most frightening experience though ghsldkfjdls. We were hanging out in our room, and the window was both open and the blinds were up and it was pitch black outside but we were letting some fresh air into the room. Anyway we (well, Carson, really) were sitting at our desk and when we looked out the window there was a pair of eyes staring back in at us >_>!!!

It took us a sec to figure out it was a cat on the windowsill looking right in! But it was sooo scary and we freaked out and the can jumped away, and our partners were on the bed at the time and didn't see anything ghldjflsjf. It was terrifying especially when we realized the cat was dark with the same white patch on its chest that our cat has & the last time we had seen her that night was right before our mom (who got back last night) had gone out in the back yard before going to bed so we were freaked out that she had gotten outside then and was trapped...

Except when I checked outside I saw her eating at her bowl, and she was definitely inside. It was sooo creepy how much the cat looked like her, and she's the only cat who has ever gotten up on the ledge outside my window before. It was really weird and freaky and we had already been freaking out about something else right prior so that didn't help ghdlskfj.

- Sunshine

 Ahhhh, there's the icon. There were even better seal pics but that's the only one we could find that had 3 seals that would retain enough clarity in an icon format.

Anwyay, so we take up the majority of the fronting time in our system probably by a lot. That does change, we've had times where Mac, or Tracy, or Misty or even Daisy front most of the time, but right now, and for a long time it's been us (Carson, Sunshine, and sometimes CJ floating around). When we worry that we're faking being a system, our first thought is like, that we front so often but other people don't right now, so that must mean we're faking it, but we forget that things that other people outside our system can't see are also real. Like people who haven't fronted in a while have talked to us, and interacted with us, and chilled out with us, but just haven't actually Fronted, and that doesn't mean that their presence is any less than ours just 'cause we're fronting a lot lately. 

- Pisces': Carson Anthony Peters, Sunshine "Sunny" Peters, CJ "Bonanza" Peters

 Today is going to be a good day I think, despite how anxious we woke up. I took my anxiety medication, and I feel anxious still but it's way less paralyzing. By tonight, in less than 12 hours, I'll be with our partner system. 

I've been a little bit front-stuck or something lately, and it's wigging me out. As usual, front-stuck becomes "omg i'm faking it" but it's not true. I really haven't even been front-stuck I've just been fronting a lot, and so have Duke, Carson, and Misty. I've even heard from Mac, and Daisy came out last night to hold me because I was upset while we were trying to sleep. I think it's just because me and Carson have such a um like Robust Fantasy Life that we can deal with (aka avoid) stress like marginally better than some other people.

The other thing is we wish we could feel emotions without immediately overanalyzing them to see whether they prove or disprove that we have xyz thing. I'd like to be able to feel an emotion whether it's good or bad without immediately wondering "is it real?" "what could have caused me to have this emotion besides ~pure neurodivergence~?" "does this mean it counts towards xyz? or does it prove I was wrong all along?"

I had a bad dream last night, but it's hard to call it a bad dream when our first instinct is to discredit it as just an average dream, because other people have the real bad dreams, not us. 

This is all negative but we feel hopeful about today. This weekend will be good, it just seems a little far still. We have to go do our volunteering, which won't be bad except it's hot out, and then we'll probably just sort of fuck around until it's 6PM and we can go. 

I don't know who I am, figuratively, maybe literally. I'm Sunshine but there might be someone else here who's not awake or not talking yet.

- Sunny

 I want to feel them, I'm worried none of them are real. 

I've been wanting to post here but I don't have very much to post about. 

It's July 14th, 5 months after Valentines Day? 

- Sunny