malibunny

 We always forget what fall feels like until it's here, and we're like... Idk we're in a super weird mood cause of it. I haven't been out much until recently, i realized that cold weather means I can wear more clothing that I like. I'm kinda excited for our hair growing out, as is Sunny (who's here too), I'm thinking I could go for that Nick Cave look or something, like long hair can definitely be masculine. Sunny's excited to be able to have ponytails and all the outfits and makeup and stuff she'll be able to wear that'll look cute with longer hair. 

We were reading about when people have special interests that are other people (especially people they know, not so much celebrities). It was something that like, at the time we couldn't relate to really, and we were trying to like imagine what it'd be like to have a special interest in a person who wasn't a famous person. Anyway like yesterday Sunny realized she (and maybe Duke?) have a special interest in a non-famous person, but just didn't realize it was also a special interest cause it's also been kinda a borderline idealization thing ykwim? I think that's why we were thinking about the ways that being autistic and being borderline overlap/look like each other sometimes. 

None of this has like anything to do with me really. I'm just chilling though. It's hard for me to relate to this body cause it's way different from mine in headspace (which is like slightly different from my canon body too). I think long hair is gonna help like all of us kinda uh... reconnect with our body. I don't know if anyone's been feeling like we look good lately. It'd be cool to just not care about looking "good" or "bad" or whatever but right now we do. Ah well, right? 

Oh, right though, I'm going to be hanging out with our partners this weekend and me and my boyfriend are gonna watch Predator (again) and Alien Vs Predator (for the first time, except I'm pretty sure someone in here has seen at least part of it). It's gonna be fun hopefully. We'll have a house to ourselves.

- Mac (and Sunny kinda)

 We'd been so sure we're borderline (except when we weren't sure bc we doubt ourselves so much, or at least some of us do), and now for a while we've been having a major crisis about how we're probably not, it's probably just our autisticness, etc. but anyway i'm either having a moment of delusion or clarity bc i Do think we're borderline, it's just that we've been going through a weird time that's made it harder to recognize. Maybe if anyone else who's borderline can weigh in if you've experienced something like this?

Our mood swings for the past year or so have been almost nothing. We thought that we had somehow suddenly "grown out of our bpd" or been cured somehow, but now I think it's just because of how this year has been. When we were on vacation with our family week before last (or whenever it was tbh), our mood swings came back full force, as did our anxiety, but we can feel them starting to settle again (at least the mood swings, not the anxiety quite so much). 

I think we've been feeling so... Blah, not 'cause we've been cured, bc if that were the case why aren't we actually Happy, why just... Not totally unstable? And I think it's because for the past year we've been living at home with our mom an step dad. We haven't been able to find a job, and we've essentially been spending all our time in one room in bed, because we're too anxious to spend extended time in any other room of the house. There's nothing for us to react to, so our moods are relatively stable because we're just in this horrible limbo. It feels like there's no past or future, but in school it felt like there was stuff going on, and deadlines, and worrying about the future, and now everything's just kind of on hold, so we're just kinda waiting.

But when we did have the stress of the vacation, we saw ourselves getting all mood swing-y again. Also I know there's more to bpd than mood swings but anything and everything will make us feel like we're faking. 

We're mostly just dissociating or anxious now, but it doesn't feel like it's a welcome break, it feels more like a punishment for us being too useless to get a job (not that we think anyone else struggling to get a job is useless).

- Duke