malibunny

I feel like I'm floating in circles very slowly
This week is going by so fast, I thought it was Wednesday
It totally feels like there's been some kinda shift in our system, maybe some people are coming back who haven't been here in a while. Mac hadn't been fronting for a long time and now he's back, and I can feel Daisy's Daisiness coming out even if I haven't heard from her specifically.

We've been sooo tired ;n; I can't focus I just wanna sleep...
I had some weird dreams this morning about an aquarium/river and a haunted house. I wanna draw this puzzle that was in the house that looked like a life size woman sitting down but she was weirdly hollow.

- Sunny

 We'd been so sure we're borderline (except when we weren't sure bc we doubt ourselves so much, or at least some of us do), and now for a while we've been having a major crisis about how we're probably not, it's probably just our autisticness, etc. but anyway i'm either having a moment of delusion or clarity bc i Do think we're borderline, it's just that we've been going through a weird time that's made it harder to recognize. Maybe if anyone else who's borderline can weigh in if you've experienced something like this?

Our mood swings for the past year or so have been almost nothing. We thought that we had somehow suddenly "grown out of our bpd" or been cured somehow, but now I think it's just because of how this year has been. When we were on vacation with our family week before last (or whenever it was tbh), our mood swings came back full force, as did our anxiety, but we can feel them starting to settle again (at least the mood swings, not the anxiety quite so much). 

I think we've been feeling so... Blah, not 'cause we've been cured, bc if that were the case why aren't we actually Happy, why just... Not totally unstable? And I think it's because for the past year we've been living at home with our mom an step dad. We haven't been able to find a job, and we've essentially been spending all our time in one room in bed, because we're too anxious to spend extended time in any other room of the house. There's nothing for us to react to, so our moods are relatively stable because we're just in this horrible limbo. It feels like there's no past or future, but in school it felt like there was stuff going on, and deadlines, and worrying about the future, and now everything's just kind of on hold, so we're just kinda waiting.

But when we did have the stress of the vacation, we saw ourselves getting all mood swing-y again. Also I know there's more to bpd than mood swings but anything and everything will make us feel like we're faking. 

We're mostly just dissociating or anxious now, but it doesn't feel like it's a welcome break, it feels more like a punishment for us being too useless to get a job (not that we think anyone else struggling to get a job is useless).

- Duke

 I am craving an iced coffee from Starbucks, my headache to go away, and a cold La Croix that doesn't make me have to pee when I drink it.

I also want to stop being reminded of the "existance" of the illuminati when I watch music videos because it ruins the experience and makes me nervous.

- Sunny