malibunny

I don't know if I was a singlet or also in a system in my other life and now it's blowing my mind O:
I don't remember Carson being there but honestly maybe he was, but he also doesn't remember being there, but I can't imagine myself not being a part of carson. Maybe just being a possible lifetime of Carson's makes me part of him anyway? It's still weird and I still think I might have been part of a system.

- Sunny

Current Mood: anxious

It's mostly Sunny here, but Daisy's making herself known in weird passive ways, we feel a little weird but I'm not sure how or why.

I wish we knew how to get our art to a wider audience, or know whether it's just inherently unappealing to most people. The thing is that we're so bad at networking, and like everyone says that's half the battle or more, and it's really hard for us to make friends, professional or otherwise, and we also don't want to try and make friends with other artists only for the reason to widen our "professional" network ykwim? Idk it's all so confusing and we feel like we're missing some vital part of a person that makes other people able to know how to do this when we feel like there's some kinda barrier that we can't cross between us and everyone else (the fact that that's a cliche statement means other people Do experience this but we still feel like this anyway).

We're putting a lot of effort into our art lately, and feeling like it's getting us nowhere. On the plus side we feel more confident in our ability to make things that actually look nice, but when our art barely ever gets beyond 4-5 notes on tumblr and likes on twitter (and rarely gets retweeted/reblogged at all either) it's hard not to feel like we're missing something that might make this easier. Obviously nobody just gets 100s of notes on all their art over night, basically no matter how talented, but it's still discouraging. Of course we appreciate the notes it does get, and appreciate the folks who support us and our art, but y'know, blah blah blah we wish we could attract a wider audience blah blah.

I'm not as bitter as I sound rn actually though sdlkgjsdlf this sounds super irritated but I'm not in a bad mood rn I'm just kinda venting despite not actually feeling bad, just a lil out of it.

Daisy wants to watch something horror-y like a video game playthrough. She also wants me to draw her/help me draw her. Or something, idk I'm having trouble hearing her hgksdflj I'm so out of it!!

- Sunny & Daisy Della

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: In My Feelings - Lana Del Rey

I feel like I'm floating in circles very slowly
This week is going by so fast, I thought it was Wednesday
It totally feels like there's been some kinda shift in our system, maybe some people are coming back who haven't been here in a while. Mac hadn't been fronting for a long time and now he's back, and I can feel Daisy's Daisiness coming out even if I haven't heard from her specifically.

We've been sooo tired ;n; I can't focus I just wanna sleep...
I had some weird dreams this morning about an aquarium/river and a haunted house. I wanna draw this puzzle that was in the house that looked like a life size woman sitting down but she was weirdly hollow.

- Sunny

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Voices Hum - W2D

The nice thing about being in a system is I realized I want a mustache and now I have one (in head space). Pretty sick.

- Mac

Current Mood: impressed
Current Music: Men's Hair Club - W2D

I'm actually fronting for once, it's been a while, but it's so late and we gotta sleep so I don't know if I'll still be here tomorrow morning.

- Mac

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: I Am A Passenger - Iggy Pop

This week we and our partners house/cat sitted for my system's parents :) it was nice to spend a week alone in a comfy house (except the AC broke the day after we started house sitting so we were without AC for a day or two).

We had a weird time the first couple days cause of just like a lot of anxiety and stuff.

Last night we had like the most frightening experience though ghsldkfjdls. We were hanging out in our room, and the window was both open and the blinds were up and it was pitch black outside but we were letting some fresh air into the room. Anyway we (well, Carson, really) were sitting at our desk and when we looked out the window there was a pair of eyes staring back in at us >_>!!!

It took us a sec to figure out it was a cat on the windowsill looking right in! But it was sooo scary and we freaked out and the can jumped away, and our partners were on the bed at the time and didn't see anything ghldjflsjf. It was terrifying especially when we realized the cat was dark with the same white patch on its chest that our cat has & the last time we had seen her that night was right before our mom (who got back last night) had gone out in the back yard before going to bed so we were freaked out that she had gotten outside then and was trapped...

Except when I checked outside I saw her eating at her bowl, and she was definitely inside. It was sooo creepy how much the cat looked like her, and she's the only cat who has ever gotten up on the ledge outside my window before. It was really weird and freaky and we had already been freaking out about something else right prior so that didn't help ghdlskfj.

- Sunshine

Current Mood: ditzy
Current Music: Beehive - W2D

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Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Groupie Love - Lana Del Rey

We're sorry we've been bad about commenting on folks' posts lately, we've been busy and overwhelmed by social interaction, so we haven't had the energy to really talk to anyone online much. We've been completely neglecting talking in the discord servers we're a part of, too, we wish we had more energy to talk, but we wanted to make a post so folks know we're not just ignoring them. We're still reading posts, and I'm totally sure sometime soon we'll get the energy back to be social, we just go through phases where we don't have the energy/drive to talk to people and rn we're in that phase.

- Thrice Nine

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Dead Inside - Hot Sugar

We hate to bring up Tumblr "syscourse" on here, because it's terrible and negative, but we're so annoyed with it and we don't want to actually post about it on Tumblr for fear of attracting drama/gatekeepers, so we'll just rant about it on here a little bit.

( Under a cut in case it's not something you want to read. Warning for very nonspecific mentions of abuse/trauma, and obviously lots of gatekeeper/invalidation talk. )

Current Mood: irritated
Current Music: DJ KK - acnl

Last night we dreamed about the end of the world, which isn't unusual, but it was kinda somewhat less stressful than usual. A big percent of people had disappeared but our partner system was still there except at their house so we were separated. There was no electricity but there was still internet, but it was like.... Early, text-only internet, but we were chatting on it and I wanted to come over and pick them up and we were gonna drive to the west coast cause there was lots of people and food there.

We were gonna have to siphon gas from all the abandoned cars along the way, but we weren't that worried about food or anything, there was plenty of canned stuff. My cats were around but they were living only outdoors in overgrown back yards, we were kinda stressed about driving an stuff but mostly it was just kinda like... There's no responsibility, and everything is gonna be fine.

P.S. Why am I like the worst in the system about accidentally referring to ourselves/other systems as singlets lshkslfjls

- Carson

Current Mood: ditzy
Current Music: Animal Crossing

Ever since we collectively like had this sigh of relief that we're not totally faking everything we've had like worse mood swings which is almost comforting because it's further proof that I'm not a faker but also it's making it harder to get things done.

Cool thing is that next week we'll be cat sitting for our parents and so we've got the house to ourselves (and our partner system who's coming over). I have this like impending sense of doom about this week though I don't know why but I'm afraid that something bad will happen before the weekend comes and we get to be alone.

I like my partner systems' dogs, idk I just wanted to mention that bc they're cute and I'm glad they like me.

- Sunny

Current Mood: moody
Current Music: What I Like - Charli XCX

Oh by the way it was our irl best friend's birthday today! We went out to lunch and hung out, and later our partner system came over and we watched Suicide Squad. It was all really nice and fun, except we didn't enjoy Suicide Squad very much (we totally thought we would!).

We drew our bff Harley Quinn for her bday, and it turned out nice! It was a good day and I wasn't horribly anxious and yeah. :)

- Duke

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Salt on a Slug - The Growlers

So I/we've been feeling more confident about our art now that we've (a) started doing it more often (although we do get into art kicks that don't last forever but we're reallly gonna try and make this last as long as we can), and (b) stopped trying to make ourselves draw/paint the most challenging thing possible ~or else we'll never grow as an artist~. If anything that was just stunting us by either making us too afraid to start, or making us hate everything we made/be unable to finish it because it just isn't within our range right now.

Now almost everything we make we really like! Yeah, the subject matter is more simple and self indulgent, but I figure that's a good thing! We wanna link to a few places to find our art, because we want to get it out there a little bit more for when we start commissions, and more importantly to get it out there so we can meet more artists and learn from each other :))

http://malibunny.deviantart.com/ our deviantart! (just began today)

http://twitter.com/multipulp our nsfw art twitter. Feel free to request to follow, we'll let anyone follow as long as they're 18+ and honestly most of the good art we've been making is on there. It also links to our nsfw art tumblr.

Also question for anyone who draws nsfw: is there a good place to put it besides tumblr? Because our blog is flagged as nsfw, so we're not sure if it shows up in search results consistently, and it's kinda hard to get off the ground on tumblr bc it's not primarily an art site, and our personalities are... Unpalatable to a degree, in the sense that we'll never be popular on tumblr for being funny/relatable, and we're absolutely no good at making friends. (this isn't meant to be self pitying, thems just the facts)

- Duke

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: History Repeats Itself - A.O.S.

We'd been so sure we're borderline (except when we weren't sure bc we doubt ourselves so much, or at least some of us do), and now for a while we've been having a major crisis about how we're probably not, it's probably just our autisticness, etc. but anyway i'm either having a moment of delusion or clarity bc i Do think we're borderline, it's just that we've been going through a weird time that's made it harder to recognize. Maybe if anyone else who's borderline can weigh in if you've experienced something like this?

Our mood swings for the past year or so have been almost nothing. We thought that we had somehow suddenly "grown out of our bpd" or been cured somehow, but now I think it's just because of how this year has been. When we were on vacation with our family week before last (or whenever it was tbh), our mood swings came back full force, as did our anxiety, but we can feel them starting to settle again (at least the mood swings, not the anxiety quite so much).

I think we've been feeling so... Blah, not 'cause we've been cured, bc if that were the case why aren't we actually Happy, why just... Not totally unstable? And I think it's because for the past year we've been living at home with our mom an step dad. We haven't been able to find a job, and we've essentially been spending all our time in one room in bed, because we're too anxious to spend extended time in any other room of the house. There's nothing for us to react to, so our moods are relatively stable because we're just in this horrible limbo. It feels like there's no past or future, but in school it felt like there was stuff going on, and deadlines, and worrying about the future, and now everything's just kind of on hold, so we're just kinda waiting.

But when we did have the stress of the vacation, we saw ourselves getting all mood swing-y again. Also I know there's more to bpd than mood swings but anything and everything will make us feel like we're faking.

We're mostly just dissociating or anxious now, but it doesn't feel like it's a welcome break, it feels more like a punishment for us being too useless to get a job (not that we think anyone else struggling to get a job is useless).

- Duke

Current Mood: blah

So we live with the body's parents which sucks, and Duke and Misty's mom works from home so because we don't have a job and don't leave the house we're always stuck with somebody else around and it sucks for a lotta reasons.

And now apparently the class their mom was teaching Monday and Wednesday nights is ending so like that moment of peace we had to ourselves is totally gone by next week. I haven't even been out to enjoy those days anyway and now they're gonna be gone. like can I possibly just have my own privacy for a sec? The solution is get a job, duh, but apparently that's not as simple as it sounds. I'm kinda sour that I came out and then had to write this, it'd be cool if my first post on here was something that wasn't a complete bummer!

Gonna get lunch, today's gonna be long!

- Mac

P.S. We dreamed last night that our bed was a loft bed and there were 2 more windows in our room that we never noticed before, but one of them had been left open for months. Then a swarm of tiny bugs came out of nowhere and we were spraying hairspray everywhere in our room in an attempt to kill the swarm.

- Misty

Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: The fan whirring

Ahhhh, there's the icon. There were even better seal pics but that's the only one we could find that had 3 seals that would retain enough clarity in an icon format.

Anwyay, so we take up the majority of the fronting time in our system probably by a lot. That does change, we've had times where Mac, or Tracy, or Misty or even Daisy front most of the time, but right now, and for a long time it's been us (Carson, Sunshine, and sometimes CJ floating around). When we worry that we're faking being a system, our first thought is like, that we front so often but other people don't right now, so that must mean we're faking it, but we forget that things that other people outside our system can't see are also real. Like people who haven't fronted in a while have talked to us, and interacted with us, and chilled out with us, but just haven't actually Fronted, and that doesn't mean that their presence is any less than ours just 'cause we're fronting a lot lately.

- Pisces': Carson Anthony Peters, Sunshine "Sunny" Peters, CJ "Bonanza" Peters

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Super Mario Galaxy OST

I had a friend when I was a kid who was 3 years younger than me, and we both loved to draw, and had always been artistic. Despite being 3 years younger than me (which with me at age 9 or 10 was a Huge difference), she was always better at drawing than me, especially really delicate, pretty anime styles with nice colors and full backgrounds. I always felt like I was a step behind her, and she improved so much soo fast, too.

Anyway when I reactivated my Facebook recently, she requested me as a friend, and I figured I'd add her after a long time deliberating. She seems so happy and put together, and I just now saw what her art looks like now, and it's truly jaw-droppingly beautiful, and afaik completely self-taught. We went to art school for four years, and we're looking at her art wondering how we could ever possibly make something that beautiful. She seems so successful now, in comparison we feel like we look like we've just become more of a trainwreck.

Our art looks like scribbles in comparison, and it worries us that our art may not ever be marketable or skillful. I know that the best way to look at this is that everyone does art differently, and i can't do what she does, just like she can't do what i do through virtue of being two different people with two completely different outlooks on life and art. Her art is beautiful and has gorgeous smooth colors and it's definitely evolved slightly away from anime style but it still is there and the influence on it has only made it better. I always felt like my art was so ugly because I couldn't master anime style, mine always looked clunky whereas she could easily recreate graceful shojo styles. Even though my style has evolved into exploring ugliness (which started then because when I got into Gorillaz, Jamie Hewlett's style inspired me to draw people and things that weren't idealized) and there's a lot of horror art that I make that I couldn't make the same if I had her exact style and outlook, I still always find myself envious of people who can draw sweet cute things in popular styles.

I don't know if it's premature of me to wish I got more recognition for my art. I think first of all I need to make more art more often, and really put effort in, but a lot of the time it feels like I put so much effort into my art, and there's a certain gratification to just looking at it and making something that I like, but I wish other people liked it more, too, and I'm not sure how to help that part along, or if my art is just essentially unmarketable. I don't want to feel like I'm compromising who I am in order to make my art marketable, but at the same time I'm not sure if maybe my art just isn't that great (and then I wonder if I were to be switched with a popular artist, would my art continue to be popular if people were seeing it through the lens of already-accepted popular art). Idk, I won't deny that I still want to be popular just like I always have.

- Misty

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Vanished - Crystal Castles

I'm gonna sit here with my makeup on.
I thought I brought more, but it was just one eyshadow palette and eyeliner and expired lip gloss.
I put my makeup on, but now I'm just waiting here.
Not waiting.

- Sunshine

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: The Killing Moon

Today has been very nice. We've been hanging out with our partner system, and we sat outside which was pleasantly warm, now we're listening to one of our playlists about being possessed (we like to make horror related mixes a lot). We're enjoying how quiet and nice the day is, and how I'm slightly shifty, and I think it'd be cool to explore my identity a bit more.

I know I'm fae, but it also feels strongly connected to our interest in horror, anyway we'd like to explore that further and it'll probably be in our Dreamwidth.

- Misty

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Black Dog Runs At Night

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Current Mood: silly
Current Music: Super Mario Galaxy OST

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malibunny

December 2017

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