Home Alone

 So we live with the body's parents which sucks, and Duke and Misty's mom works from home so because we don't have a job and don't leave the house we're always stuck with somebody else around and it sucks for a lotta reasons. 

And now apparently the class their mom was teaching Monday and Wednesday nights is ending so like that moment of peace we had to ourselves is totally gone by next week. I haven't even been out to enjoy those days anyway and now they're gonna be gone. like can I possibly just have my own privacy for a sec? The solution is get a job, duh, but apparently that's not as simple as it sounds. I'm kinda sour that I came out and then had to write this, it'd be cool if my first post on here was something that wasn't a complete bummer!

Gonna get lunch, today's gonna be long!

- Mac


P.S. We dreamed last night that our bed was a loft bed and there were 2 more windows in our room that we never noticed before, but one of them had been left open for months. Then a swarm of tiny bugs came out of nowhere and we were spraying hairspray everywhere in our room in an attempt to kill the swarm. 

- Misty

Borderline

 We'd been so sure we're borderline (except when we weren't sure bc we doubt ourselves so much, or at least some of us do), and now for a while we've been having a major crisis about how we're probably not, it's probably just our autisticness, etc. but anyway i'm either having a moment of delusion or clarity bc i Do think we're borderline, it's just that we've been going through a weird time that's made it harder to recognize. Maybe if anyone else who's borderline can weigh in if you've experienced something like this?

Our mood swings for the past year or so have been almost nothing. We thought that we had somehow suddenly "grown out of our bpd" or been cured somehow, but now I think it's just because of how this year has been. When we were on vacation with our family week before last (or whenever it was tbh), our mood swings came back full force, as did our anxiety, but we can feel them starting to settle again (at least the mood swings, not the anxiety quite so much). 

I think we've been feeling so... Blah, not 'cause we've been cured, bc if that were the case why aren't we actually Happy, why just... Not totally unstable? And I think it's because for the past year we've been living at home with our mom an step dad. We haven't been able to find a job, and we've essentially been spending all our time in one room in bed, because we're too anxious to spend extended time in any other room of the house. There's nothing for us to react to, so our moods are relatively stable because we're just in this horrible limbo. It feels like there's no past or future, but in school it felt like there was stuff going on, and deadlines, and worrying about the future, and now everything's just kind of on hold, so we're just kinda waiting.

But when we did have the stress of the vacation, we saw ourselves getting all mood swing-y again. Also I know there's more to bpd than mood swings but anything and everything will make us feel like we're faking. 

We're mostly just dissociating or anxious now, but it doesn't feel like it's a welcome break, it feels more like a punishment for us being too useless to get a job (not that we think anyone else struggling to get a job is useless).

- Duke